10-step guide to finding your next big love
Getting a divorce is an earth-shattering experience. You used to be a part of a couple. Fixed to another person and a specific identity. Now, you are just you. On your own. Possibly with responsibility for your children. There is a whole new world to explore and understand. After taking the time necessary to pick up the pieces and ground yourself, you start thinking about finding love after divorce. How difficult will it be? How to meet someone new? Where to start?
Finding love after divorce is possible
The first and most important step is not to view your divorce as a defeat. If you regard yourself as a divorcee and that very fact as being something negative, your view might become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Also, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having gone through a divorce.
The less you can see your divorce as an obstacle, the more successful you will be.
You are a better person today
Instead, view your divorce as an integral part of the strong, capable woman you are today.
It takes strength to walk away from a situation that’s not making you happy, especially if that situation is a marriage.
Having gone through a divorce means that you are capable of falling in love, of having a long-term committed relationship. Only now, after the divorce, you know what you are looking for you. You know what it takes.
1. Take time for yourself
Maybe you didn’t break up your marriage? Maybe your ex-husband did? Whatever your specific situation, it’s important you take the time necessary to find yourself again. A divorce is a trauma, and you need to take the proper time to heal.
It’s easy, after a divorce, to try and force a new relationship.
You are not used to being alone. You feel like there is a hole in your life, and if you are not careful, you might try and fill it with whatever man comes your way.
Maybe you have things to prove to yourself. It’s also common to feel a certain amount of competitiveness with your ex-spouse. You want to show them that you have moved on.
Who are you?
Getting a divorce is getting your identity shattered, it’s important to acknowledge this identity crisis.
For you to be happy long term, you have to connect with yourself.
Don’t assume that you know everything about yourself. Ask yourself important questions (and some unimportant ones). Find a new identity.
(Of course, keep everything that you liked about who you used to be.) This exercise is good to do in writing. Check out these questions for deep self-reflection.
Make sure you have a loving relationship with yourself
There is no set amount of time for this step. It’s all about getting to know this new version of yourself and slowly falling in love with her.
The relationship you form with other people emulates the relationship you have with yourself. The better relationship you have with yourself, the better relationship you will have with other people.
2. Write down what you want in a man
Before grabbing your machete and start trekking the dating jungle, you need to know what you are looking for.
No need to search for gold if you are not going to recognize it.
Again, I advise you to do this exercise the old fashion way, by grabbing a pen and paper.
Write down what you want to have with your next man. How do you want to feel? What kind of person do you want him to be?
You should also take some time and reflect on your dating goals. Maybe you are not ready to search for serious commitment just yet. Maybe you just want to have fun and take a look at what is out there.
Make a wish list
Write down your non-negotiables. Also, write down the things that would be nice to have, but that is not necessary.
Once you start dating, you can check in with the list. You might discover that you just have discarded a short bald man, despite never mentioning that hair and tallness are a must for you.
The list will also keep you from jumping straight into another unfulfilling relationship. Don’t settle. Don’t exit the jungle without the gold.
3. Work through the past
Preparing yourself for finding love after divorce is not only about defining yourself; it’s also about letting go of the past.
Sadness, bitterness, anxiety and anger; all of those emotions need to be set free. You don’t want them living rent-free in your body.
We are only ever as attractive as our inner landscape.
Unless it was the friendliest divorce in the history of mankind, your inner landscape will be overgrown with poisonous flowers.
It’s your job to pull them up with the root.
Once again, I’m going to suggest writing.
When we write, ideas and thoughts that live within us get a physical manifestation. You can study them as something separate from yourself. That process is in itself healing.
Write down all your negative stories
For example;
I’m not good enough.
No one will ever love me.
I’m a failure.
Something is wrong with me; I’m unlovable.
Reprogram all of your limiting beliefs
I know, this will take time, but it will transform who you are. Check out a couple of videos from this lady for more insights.
You reprogram those beliefs by writing down 10 proofs of why they are not true, every day, for 21 days.
A false belief takes 21 days to re-program.
4. Get a makeover
There is a reason the makeover is such a dear moment to many filmmakers; it’s all about taking a process that occurs inside you and giving it a manifestation on the outside.
After the divorce, you are no longer the same person.
Try a new haircut. Buy some new jewelry that represents this new stage in your life. Change your hair color, if only for a couple of months. Look at yourself with new eyes.
For dating you need outfits
If you are intent on finding love after divorce, you will have to go on dates. Embrace this new situation by getting yourself a couple of new outfits for those dates.
If you don’t have much money to spare (divorces can be expensive meltdowns), I recommend secondhand stores or shopping your own closet with a couple of friends.
You don’t want to show up in your new life, dressed exactly as you were in your old life.
Trust me on this one; a makeover is an integral step to finding love after divorce.
5. Start a new exercise routine
Nothing has the power to transform us as much as finding the right exercise regime. (Well, maybe except for a skillful therapist, but those are not easy to find.)
Exercise will make your skin glow, give you confidence and make you happy. It’s those endorphins.
This step can be a new sport, dance classes or something like running that gets you out in nature. If you want to focus on building a stronger body, hitting the gym works as well.
You become you again
Getting a divorce is like being reborn. You get the chance to leave bad habits behind and become a new, improved version of yourself.
When old things break, they leave a blank slate, and it is up to you what you want to fill the canvas with.
If you already have a great exercise regime, challenge yourself to learn something new; for example rock climbing. This step is all about expanding your horizon. It is also about getting out in the world. You are not going to be finding love after divorce by spending your free time on the couch.
6. Start dating
When you have done the five steps above, it’s time to jump back up in the saddle.
Only you can decide when you are ready to start dating again, but basically, you are ready when you feel excited by the thought. Getting back into the dating scene should feel appealing and intriguing, not like a chore.
When you are ready, I suggest having a strategy, such as going on one date a month or spending a certain amount of hours every week on this part of your life. Having a clear goal will give you a good way of tracking your success. (So that you don’t feel that meeting your next big love is the only success that counts.)
Online dating
Nowadays, as I’m sure you have heard, there is such a thing as online dating. This is an opportunity to meet other hopeful singles. You will find out if this is for you or not. Don’t let one or two bad dates demoralize you; online dating is a skill that can be developed.
For developing your dating skills, I recommend our guide First date conversation tips.
7. Find a new passion
If you feel like online dating is simply not your thing, there is no need to go that route.
Instead, you have the option to become more active in other areas of your life. This step will be valuable even if you do online dating. A new passion will also help you make sense of the divorce.
By developing yourself as a person, you will feel like the divorce brought something good into your life.
When we are married it’s easy to stagnate as a human, you probably adjusted too much to your ex and his wishes. Finding one or several new passions is also about finding a previously overlooked part of yourself.
Meet new people
The best way to meet possible dates is through a common interest. When you are both involved in an activity you enjoy doing you can get to know each other pressure-free. Finding your next new love is all about getting out in the world and meeting people. The best way to keep the motivation for this step is by doing things you love.
Ask yourself what is one thing you always wanted to learn, but never had the time for?
Now is the time.
8. Make new friends
If you just had a divorce, your friend group probably doesn’t match your new circumstances.
No need to discard your old friends, but plenty of reasons to make a couple of new ones.
Divorce is a trauma that needs to be processed. One good way of doing this is to bond with other people in the same circumstances. (That’s why support groups exist.)
You will discover that you are not alone in your experiences.
Another reason why this step is so important is that if you are serious about finding love after divorce, your existing friend group probably is not going to help. Married people tend to know other married people.
Meeting your future love through common friends
The people who don’t meet through work or online dating meet through common friends.
You will also need new friends to experience the world together with. Don’t expect miracles straight away, making friends is actually a muscle you need to train. The more you put an effort towards making friends, the better you will become at it.
Regardless of your age, you can check out my article How to make new friends in your 30s.
9. Go on a journey
Just like the makeover, the journey is another popular move trope. And it’s a good one, for a reason.
Every journey transforms us.
We need perspective to view our past with clarity. A journey also allows us to create a new identity and strengthen the relationship we have with ourselves.
Don’t skip this step
