A 4-step roadmap to healthy independence
Friendship is a beautiful thing. A good friendship is something we keep through the ups and downs of life. Our friends supply us with a sense of belonging, joy, adventures and intellectual stimulation. Our friends are also people of their own, with their own needs and triggers. They are not only there to serve you. Sometimes, a friend is not there as much as you would wish, and you are left with the question, “How do I stop being so attached to my friends?”
It’s a habit to be overly dependent on friends
Being too attached to your friends is basically a consequence of you having trained yourself to rely on your friends.
Over the years, this is a coping mechanism you have developed. You have used your friends to satisfy natural human needs such as security, support and happiness.
That’s all good and sweet; only the problem is that you have forgotten that you can give those things to yourself.
Break the habit
But as with all habits, this one is possible to break.
The only thing you have to do is to train yourself to become a bit more independent.
You do this program in small steps. Challenge yourself at least once a day. Step out of your comfort zone and start relying on yourself.
Expose yourself to doing things on your own
After every step, you positively reinforce the experience. In other words, you tell yourself that you were brave for doing something on your own and that you are proud of yourself.
1. Develop a deep and fulfilling relationship with yourself
A lot of people assume that we automatically know ourselves. After all, we inhabit our bodies, and we spend the whole day with ourselves.
But this is not the same thing as knowing. Knowing someone takes effort and intention.
Many people are out of touch with themselves and don’t know their real passions.
Have a deep conversation with yourself
The first step when you ask, “How do I stop being so attached to my friends,” is to take a cold hard look at the relationship you have with yourself.
If you are too dependent on your friends, the most likely reason for this is that you are trying to escape yourself.
How do you treat yourself?
Are you nice and encouraging to yourself? How is your inner monologue?
(Generally speaking, we talk to ourselves as our parents talked to us, and this is often not the most supportive self-talk.)
Do you ask yourself big deep questions about life?
Do you treat yourself as you would treat a dear friend? Are you as positive and nice as you would be to someone you loved?
You rely on your friends for encouragement
If not, that’s probably the reason why you are overly attached to your friend. You need their support and approval because you don’t give those things to yourself.
Study yourself
Over the next few weeks, observe how you treat yourself. How often do you guilt and shame yourself? Would you behave like that towards a friend?
It helps to journal to see these things clearly. Grab a nice notebook and get to work developing a loving relationship with yourself. Ask yourself who you truly are and what you want out of life. Write down the answers. Be present with yourself.
How to be with yourself
Someone who binge-watches television or scrolls through social media is not being a good friend to themselves.
Imagine if your friend did that to you when you tried talking to them. Give yourself the gift of true presence and the relationship you have with yourself will transform.
What do you desire from your friends?
Ask yourself how you would want to spend quality time with that nice friend you are too attached to.
You guessed it, do this alone with yourself. This is the best way to stop being attached to your friends.
If you want to improve the friendships you do have, read our article The secrets to strong friendships.
2. Face your own emotions
People who are over-reliant on their friends often have this habit because they don’t process their own emotions in a good way.
Basically, if they are upset over something, they call a friend and vent and pour their heart out. They expect their friend to make them feel better. In other words, they use their friend as a way to regulate their emotions.
Are you guilty of this behavior?
Don’t beat yourself up. Relying on yourself takes practice. Most likely, you didn’t have good self-care modeled to you.
When does this behavior get toxic?
You might object and say that a friend who is supportive is important to you and that you do the same thing for them.
You have to deal with your own emotions
And sure, small doses of this are what I would consider healthy dependence, but taken too far, this behavior becomes toxic because it’s not anyone else’s job to regulate your emotions.
Usually, it’s always one friend that needs more emotional support and eventually, the other friend gets fed up with being an unpaid therapist. Are you worried about your behavior check out our article What to do if I am a toxic friend? to fully understand this problem.
You should be in control
Since you ask, “How do I stop being so attached to my friends?” That already tells me that you are not good at processing your own emotions.
It’s OK to reach out and receive support sometimes, but it’s better that you become this resource to yourself. When you become good at this, you can do it more effectively than anyone else.
Feel your emotions
Instead of dumping on a friend, sit with your emotion, and ask yourself how they feel in your body. Warm? Cold? Tingling?
After you have been present with your emotions, you can regulate them by talking to yourself as a friend would do.
3. Challenge yourself
The emotional side is one aspect of becoming more independent. Now when you have that part in progress, it’s time to be practical and make a move into the world. Alone.
Yes, this is exposure therapy. You start small and you work your way towards bigger achievements.
Good friends are great
It’s nice to arrive at a party with all your friends in tow. You feel safe and you feel a sense of belonging. Maybe you even feel proud about having such great friends. But if you want to become more independent, it’s time to start doing things on your own.
The thing about doing things on your own is that it feels scarier than it actually is. By knowing that you can make new friends and have new experiences, you will stop being so attached to your friends.
Develop your meeting-friends-muscle
Sign up for a course or take up a new hobby and you will soon see that people are sweet and open toward each other.
You will get the experience of getting to know new people and you will realize that you don’t need to be as attached to your friends.
By being active and doing things, you will naturally develop a stronger sense of self. Especially if you do these things on your own.
Ask yourself what is one thing you have always wanted to learn? Proceed accordingly. Get more tips in our article on How to make new friends in your 30s.
4. Go on a trip alone
Leaving town all alone is the ultimate crash course when it comes to stop being attached to your friends. Sure, this can go terribly wrong since you are probably not going to enjoy your own company for the whole duration of the trip.
But you will become much more self-reliant. You might suffer a bit, but that’s only normal. When you want to talk with someone, journal, or strike up a conversation with the people around you. You should also sign up for different activities so that interaction becomes natural.
The world awaits you
A trip alone will build your confidence muscle. You will discover things about yourself and you will discover things about the world. You will be forced to be independent and to make new connections.
Many people are overly attached to their friends because they just haven’t forced themselves out of their comfort zone. Give yourself shock therapy and see if you like it.
If you hate it, that’s OK, it’s about the journey.
A final note
A great friendship is such a beautiful thing.
Having a bunch of amazing friends is even better.
But by developing your relationship with yourself and practicing meeting the world alone, you actually become a greater friend to those friends you already have. You will have more to offer, and you will be less emotionally dependent.
The mission starts now.
