6 east-to-follow steps to detachment
Falling in love is easy. He is everything you dreamt about. Warm and interesting and with those beautiful eyes that seem to know everything you never told him. But for one reason or another, you realize he is not the one and you are stuck asking “How to fall out of love?”
Falling in love is addictive
First of all, being in love is such a nice feeling. It’s hard to resist the sweet high that comes together with falling for someone. But it is possible.
Not only can we fall out of love, but we can also learn a lot about ourselves in the process of getting over someone.
Falling in love is about you
The truth as to why you have fallen in love against your will is that this love story is about you and the needs that are unfulfilled in your relationship with yourself.
Our longing always reflects the relationship we have with ourselves. If you long for emotional closeness, you don’t have enough emotional closeness with yourself.
It was your decision
When you fell in love with this person your subconscious made a decision.
Since falling in love is not a completely conscious choice, it means your subconscious thinks you have something to gain from this person.
Falling out of love with this person is about understanding why your subconscious picked him.
1. Find out why you fell in love with him
First of all, we have to find out what it is about him you find so attractive.
We usually fall for someone because they have traits we long for.
It is really that simple.
Write down all the things you love about him. Is he funny? Smart? Playful? What sets him apart from all the other guys you met?
Which of his qualities do you find yourself most drawn to? His independence? Sweetness? Strength?
Rate yourself in these areas
The next, slightly more uncomfortable question, is to ask yourself how good you are at showing up for yourself when it comes to these qualities?
Are you sweet to yourself? Is your life as adventurous as you would wish for?
If you like how attentive he listens to you, ask yourself how attentive you listen to yourself. Does he represent safety or perhaps intellectual pursuits?
He and your love for him is a map that’s showing you yourself. You didn’t pick him at random.
Your subconscious hoped that he would fulfill your unmet needs.
What do you fantasize about?
Unrequited love is a lot about daydreaming. That’s ok. It can be nice to fantasize about someone and your life together. But now when you ask how to fall out of love, you have to take a closer look and examine exactly what it is you dream about?
What does your dream life look like?
If the two of you are in a relationship and you still want to fall out of love you can check out, How to get over your ex fast, for additional tips.
2. Focus on yourself
The next step in this process of falling out of love is to use your newfound knowledge to actually try to give yourself all those things you need.
Don’t think that you need another person to provide you with safety, or love, or attention. You can give all those things to yourself.
If you miss fun and excitement in your life, ask yourself how you can bring more of those things to your life?
Love yourself
Whatever you need, try and make a plan on how to deliver those things to yourself. This is the true meaning of loving yourself.
If you don’t give the love and attention you need to yourself, you will not be able to fully receive those things from anyone else. It all starts with you. This is also the path forward when you wonder how to fall out of love
This technique can feel gimmicky at first. But trust me, it works.
If you want more techniques and a deeper understanding of your feelings, check out Why am I attached to someone who doesn’t want me?
3. Get your fix from something else
Falling out of love does require you to change your routine. You have to become a new version of yourself.
That is the only possible way forward. You have to make changes in your life. Unrequited love is a big growth opportunity.
When you learn new things and develop new sides of yourself you gain more confidence.
Get a new hobby
We develop the most when we learn something new. Pick something you always wanted to learn. For example, painting, singing, or surfing. Dive into your new hobby as a way to distract yourself. Eventually, you will fall out of love. (And hopefully, fall in love with your new passion.)
Get a couple of new friends
Meeting new people is also important. We all have the desire to get to know other humans. That’s probably one of the reasons why you are unhappily in love. You are longing for a deep human connection.
Try to give yourself this experience by meeting new interesting friends.
It will be hard in the beginning, but as with all of my strategies, the more you do them, the better you will feel.
Go on a trip
Experiencing a new place also helps you snap out of your romance.
A trip to a place you always wanted to see gives you a new perspective on things. You connect with yourself and who you truly are. This new outlook is exactly what you need to fall out of love. A trip will also keep you preoccupied. We always change when we travel.
4. Balance your perspective
One thing I know for sure, without even knowing you, is that you have a romanticized view of this guy.
You don’t see him for who he is, you see your loving version of him.
When we fall in love our bodies release a mix of different hormones. Those hormones are geared to make us attach to another human.
As a result, we often overlook possible downsides. We become overly focused on attaining this person.
When you want to fall out of love with someone, you need to balance this picture.
Write down all his negative qualities
To balance the picture you have of him, it’s absolutely crucial that you write down everything you don’t like about him. Be ruthless. Keep this list close to you and re-read it often.
Think about how you now view people you have previously been in love with. Your view has probably shifted. One day you will see him as cold and clear as you see your ex-lovers.
5. Have clear boundaries for yourself
Now it’s time for some tough love toward us and our love. If you are serious about falling out of love, you have to stop yourself from daydreaming and fantasizing about him.
Every time you dream about him, you are putting fuel on the fire that is your love. You keep feeding the beast.
I know how hard it is to stop. But fantasizing about him is a form of self-betrayal.
Every time you are tempted to think about him, shift your mind towards something else. The more you do this, the easier it will become.
Have practical boundaries
You should also limit the time you spend with him as well as limit any kind of phone or texting interaction.
We desire what is in front of us. By getting physical distance between the two of you, your feelings will fade.
6. Focus on what you want and need
You might wonder what you should be thinking about, if not him. Good question, my friend. Every time you are tempted to think about him, firmly shift your focus back to you and your life. Think about your dreams and the thing you want to achieve for yourself.
Try meditation and mindfulness
At this point, it is also important to acknowledge that you don’t have to think about anything. You can also work towards clearing your mind and just being.
If you haven’t tried meditations now is the time.
Meditation and mindfulness teach you to be present with yourself and that you are safe in your own company. It also helps you understand that you don’t have to be productive and produce every single moment. It is OK to just be.
7. Allow yourself to grieve
A possible love story that never happened is something worth grieving. Maybe you have a problem letting go because you have not properly grieved?
Allow yourself to be really fucking sad. Cry. Listen to sad music. Cry some more. Go for a long melancholic walk.
It’s a beautiful thing to fall in love. For a brief moment you loved someone and that is a great gift. We all want to be loved. You gave him the very thing most humans long for.
Maybe you want to fall out of love because you realize your relationship is toxic, if that’s the case I recommend my article How to stop going back to a toxic relationship.
Be sad about the ending
If you had a relationship with the man in question, take the time to properly grieve the relationship.
Be kind to yourself and celebrate the fact that you are capable of deep love. That is in itself an accomplishment.
The more you allow your feelings to flow, the likelier it is for you to fall out of love.
A Final note
Falling in love is the best feeling in the whole world. Falling out of love is not easy, but sometimes it has to be done. When we are in love with the wrong person, we keep ourselves from meeting the right person.
He is out there, somewhere, looking forward to meeting you.
