All the best strategies for finding close amazing friendships
When you are a kid making new friends is easy, you just go ahead and start playing with each other.
As you grow older, things get a bit more complicated.
In your 20s, it’s often easy to make friends, you go to university and most people are open and free. New friendships tend to form automatically.
Finding new friends in your 30s is harder
When you are in your 30s, things often take an unfortunate turn. F
riends disappear from your life for all sorts of reasons and there are just not the same opportunities to make new friends.
When it comes to “How to make new friends in your 30s,” you need a plan, and you need a couple of different strategies. I’m going to give you exactly that.
Be a good friend
Let’s take a look at the most important step first. I’m sure you are already a good friend, but when it comes to your kindness and generosity toward other people, there is always room for improvement.
Let’s face it, what was enough to become someone’s friend in your 20s is not going to cut it when it comes to making new friends in your 30s.
You have to step up your friendship game.
What’s in it for them?
Take a couple of hours and think about how you can work with yourself to become a better friend.
This might mean listening more than you are talking.
It might mean coming up with new fun activities you can do with all of those friends we are going to get you. Being a good friend means being there for them in the way they need you.
You are a better version of yourself
Now when you are in your 30s, you can be a better friend than you have ever been before. You are more confident, calmer and more secure in yourself. Thus you have a lot to offer to potential friends.
Focus on what you are going to give them, not what you hope to gain. To be honest with you, most people take more than they give when it comes to interpersonal relationships. By practicing being more generous towards your new friends, we can ensure that you are not an emotional vampire.
Put in the effort to make new friends in your 30s
When it comes to finding the right match, friendship is a lot like dating. You have to put yourself out there. Amazing friendships are not just going to fall into your lap. If you spend most of your time away from other people, you will not make new friends, period.
During my life, I moved to many new cities and even new countries and as a general rule, it takes me two years to find the right kind of people and form strong friendships-bonds with those people.
Forming deep connections takes time
So don’t expect to find new friends extremely quickly. Building the rapport and trust that’s the foundation for amazing friendship takes time. There are no shortcuts when it comes to trust and deep connection.
State the fact that you indeed are looking for new friends
You have to be aware and deliberate with the fact that you are looking for friends.
Don’t dismiss people right away. Instead, you have to try and awkwardly connect with different kinds of people. Try hard to find out if the spark is there.
Not all friends hit it off right away
The friendship spark, very much like the romantic spark, isn’t always clear from the beginning.
If you don’t try a lot of potential friends, you are not going to find the ones that truly enrich your life. When it comes to finding friends in your 30s, give everyone a second chance. Go ahead and give them a third chance.
Take your passions to a public setting
To find people you might connect with, make an effort to pursue your passions in more public settings, such as joining a book club if you are introverted and prefer to stay alone and read.
I want you to meet new people and I want you to have a conversation with those new people.
Make an emotional connection
Don’t try and assess if they would make a suitable friend for you; instead focus solemnly on making an emotional connection.
If you are more extroverted, you can go to different events, such as meetups, where people go to make new connections.
Do a map of your friendship past
In this step, I want you to think back to all those glorious friendships you have had. Name names and take a walk down memory lane. Make a list of different close friends.
Write down how you met and what you first thought about them? What made the two of you such great and unique friends?
What made them special and what made your friendship special? Exactly what was it the two of you connected over?
The more analytic and precise you can be in this step, the more you will understand yourself and your friendship process.
Use your conclusion to be more aware of how you make friends
Whatever conclusions you draw in this step, make sure you use them to try and tailor your quest for new friends to the unique way you have made friends in the past. Repeat the success you have already had.
At this stage in your life, you just need to be more deliberate and do similar things with the new people you meet.
Write down your realizations
One thing I think you will realize is that friendship often doesn’t start out from the get-go.
You just don’t meet someone for the first time and become close friends. Friendship is something that is built by common ground and by investing in the other person. This process is more likely to happen if the two of you have an outside force, such as school or workplace pushing you together.
Reach out to old friends
Our friendships change as we go through life. Sometimes we come together with a specific person and the friendship intensifies. Sometimes we drift apart.
Because of this natural push and pull that’s part of most people’s friendship-maps, it’s easy to rekindle lost friendships. (Picking up old friends is sociably acceptable, not at all similar to sad recycling of old lovers; stay away from that one.)
Maybe it’s the exact right time to be in her life again
Maybe this particular friend was busy with her family or her career? And that’s OK. I’m sure you have allowed friends to drift away while you focused on other parts of your life.
If you don’t reach out to old friends, you will never know if there is something there that could be a beautiful friendship once again.
Make a big effort and try to become a bigger presence in the life of those friends you lost.
The two of you do have a connection
The two of you become friends for a reason. You had things in common. Most likely, those reasons still exist, and with a bit of effort, you can create the right environment for your friendship to blossom once again.
Admittedly, this will not always work out. Friendships often fade for a reason. But it is worth a try because if it only works out with one person, you will have a new friend you wouldn’t otherwise have had.
Reach out to friends of friends
Let me guess, most of your friends you simply meet through other common friends?
This is the most typical start of a friendship.
Connecting with friends of friends has a much higher success rate versus a “cold” meeting with someone completely new.
Things in common
The fact that you have a common friend usually means that you have other things in common.
If you, for example, have moved to a new city, you can ask all your friends if they know someone in that city, or even if they know someone who knows someone who lives there.
Many people are secretly looking for a new friend
On a side note, don’t assume that other people are not open to new friendships. There is no shame in outing yourself out there and trying to connect with new people.
Sure, a lot of people will be busy and thus reject you, but it only takes one new friend for the whole project to have been a big success.
Be honest with your desire to connect with more people and maybe find a new best friend. If you are bold, you can ask people to set you up on a friendship blind-date. How fun would that be if it worked out?
Take advantage of modern technology when you want to find new friends in your 30s
These days, different apps are specially targeted to make friends. To find out which apps are suitable for your country or city, just do a quick google search.
Rest assured, many people are in the same situation as you, feeling lonely and looking for new friends. Meetup.com is a good starting place.
If this strategy sounds too random, you can be more specific in the way you target new friends.
Find your tribe
There are usually different meetups connected to Facebook groups focused on different interests and life situations, such as being a parent or being single.
So join local Facebook groups centered around different interests and wait for the next IRL meetup. You can also be proactive and put up a post asking if some people want to get together.
Connect over a shared passion
All over the world, people are longing to connect with other people who have a common interest—for example, true crime, entrepreneurship or surfing. To just mention three completely random examples I myself am interested in.
Take a look at your personal interest and passion. Would you like a friend who shares one of those interests? Start looking in the right place.
Maybe you also have something you have always wanted to learn? In that case, you can join a course.
This woman took things a step further by hiring a friendship coach.
Go on a journey, alone
You are either going to love or hate this step. Making friends requires the use of a very special muscle. And since you don’t have enough friends, I’m going to take a wild guess that this particular muscle of yours hasn’t got enough training.
Time to send your making-friends muscle and you to boot-camp
Going on a journey alone, you will have to smile and talk to strangers. You will simply be forced to practice your ability to connect with people. Sign up for a one-month Yoga retreat in Thailand (alone!) or something similar.
Go all in.
Friendship is that important.
If you do this step, I can guarantee making friends in your own city will be easier.
Even a small journey will help a lot
If you don’t have time or the financial situation to make this big journey, go to a city close to where you live and visit some museums and go to a meetup.
Since this social interaction takes place away from where you live, you will probably not meet your new BBF. But what you are going to do is train the friendship muscle.
You need to practice
I can’t emphasize this step enough. If you don’t have enough friends, it is because you haven’t spent enough time exercising your “making new friends” muscle.
Yes, this is true even if you are in a relationship. Romantic relationships and friendships are a bit different. In fact, taking time and going on a journey on your own is especially important if you are in a relationship. You, my friend, need some friend-training.
Get a new hobby to make new friends in your 30s
When someone asks how to make new friends in their 30s, getting a new hobby is going to be the most common answer. And it is the typical answer for a reason, having a new interest is the most effective way to make new friends.
People connect over a shared passion. It doesn’t even matter exactly what the passion is.
Be a regular
It’s important that you make this hobby a regular habit. You might not meet any new friends the first couple of times, or even the first year, but eventually, you will meet the right one, or ones.
To make new friends in your 30s, you have to be open and vulnerable
You might have a lot of acquaintances and shallow friends. If this is the case, you can become better at inviting people in. You might put up a wall around yourself because you think they will not want to become your friend anyway. And you know what, in many cases, this will be true.
You will open up to someone and share personal things about yourself and then they might never reach out again.
But without being vulnerable and sharing things about yourself, you will not create close connections with anyone. You simply have to be brave and pour out your heart and soul and see what happens.
You should also practice your ability to reach people on a deeper level. Check out our article on the subject How to get someone to open up emotionally.
Be brave and face rejection
If you don’t have enough friends, this tells me that you are acting too shielded toward the people you do meet.
They probably don’t even know that you might want a friend.
You play it safe.
So the next time you meet someone, try inviting them in and give them the chance to get to know you on a deep level. Without an intimate deepness, there is no friendship. Being raw and honest with someone is often how friendships start.
A Final note
When it comes to close, intimate connections, you might have to search high and low for a long time. Maybe even several years. You have to be open and vulnerable and put in the effort to constantly meet new people and invite those people to more activities.
This will not always pay off; some people might only show up in your life once. But when you meet amazing friends, all your effort will be worth it. Your close friends are one of life’s greatest sources of joy and inspiration.
