Dear Claudia
I’ve been in a committed relationship for two years, but my boyfriend is still vague about living together and having children. He says he is still getting over his divorce (from five years ago). I’m 38 and have always wanted a family. I can’t imagine my life without him, but I don’t know that he can give me what I’ve wanted for so long.
Dear In Limbo,
Being slave to an unsure heart while your child-bearing years pass you by? I don’t think so. While your boyfriend sits curled up in the dark, reading Nietzsche and reliving his divorce, your dreams of a family hang in the balance. If you feel haunted by the relentless ticking of the biological clock, it may be time to heed the ring of the bell.
First, get to the root of his loafing: Why is he so resistant to the idea of committing to a larger life together? (Make sure his extended period of mourning is not just a delay tactic.) Then, put your situation on the table. Articulate it from a place of strength, rather than need. You have love to give — so much that it includes children. You want to make plans for the future. Does he wish to be included?
Finally, ask yourself: Is the unsure heart his or yours? It may be the right time, but is he the right man? Make sure you’re not denying yourself an even deeper richness. And know that whatever the outcome, it can’t be worse than this painful holding pattern you’re in now.
